Connecting Grief

Brian Fairbrother

Dear Friends and Random readers,

I lost a very dear friend on September 8, 2011. He was in a terrible bike accident and suffered a brain injury from which he was unable to recover.

Brian Fairbrother was an institution in Seattle - and my friend of 20+ years. I was incredibly lucky to have an opportunity to sit with Brian, hold his hand and spill out everything he meant to me, ask for forgiveness, forgive - I said everything I meant to tell him when we were much older, much grayer (or balder), and much drunker. I want to believe that he heard me and that when he looked at me he saw me somehow - even though science says that may not be the case. Brian's spirituality says he heard me and I will take that.

In that hospital room, I also visited and talked to people who I hadn't seen in years, but I have felt incredibly close to because we shared a job, family members, neighborhood, and Brian...it's a lot of history.

People came to the hospital to get a hug, cry, or laugh hysterically recounting some funny shit Brian said. People I didn't know held onto to me like we had been together forever. A life is an interesting thing.

People and events have their moment in your personal timeline. They mean something to you - or you meant more to them than you could ever possibly know.

When you are dying that timeline suddenly becomes today - everything is level set. All the jigsaw pieces of your life rush together. It doesn't matter how long you knew Brian or how well - it matters that he brought something to your life - it matters that he was there. That he walked the planet and was connected to you.

He was, and you are, significant.

Since Brian's accident, Facebook began to be on fire. Everyone who was part of his timeline wanted to be closer and share their grief and their love for Brian and what Brian meant to them. That connection became even more important to me. People that swore off Facebook signed up again because they wanted to be with each other and get more news. But Facebook is a strange place, it can represent a part your timeline - the people of your timeline who want to stay connected to you, but haven't walked all the way through your house; they haven't been in all the rooms of your life. And you may get a sense that your friend is in another room in pain, and you may not be sure what to say or do.

Moreover, often we get only pieces of a story and must try to connect the dots - and may worry if we are intruding or not. Nobody knows what to say or do - even though all these events happen all the time and are part of life. You would think we would have learned by now. If you are reading this, it is because you are connected in some way - you are in my house. And I thank all of you who have read between the lines to offer condolences - even though you played a different role in my life and may not be familiar with this part or knew Brian.

If I have learned anything this week is that someone's life goes deeper and wider than you can ever imagine. And that letting people know they matter to you - matters.

Here are some links concerning Brian. As with all of the stories written about him; those who knew him really well don't always agree with the content or how he is portrayed, but nonetheless, it was nice that many tried to show what he meant to the community. Come on into this room and get to know a little about a wonderful person.

• Seattle Times Article
• The Sunbreak Blog (good job!)
• Capitol Hill Seattle Blog
• Seattle Bike Blog
• Raja of Capitol Hill - Video
• Seattle Magazine (link is wonky)